Billu

Billu reminds me of the cultural fest I took part when I was in college. The play we presented had a simple (rather stupid!) story with some songs thrown in. Our USP was our star dancer and his meticulously choreographed dances. The only glitch was the story had nothing to do with the dances – it was put up just for an individual award in the best choreography category ‘cos we all knew that we couldn’t sell the play solely on its merit!

I’m a bit puzzled by Priyadarshan’s decision to remake the Malayalam hit Kathaparayumbol – a movie which appeals more to the sensibilities of the rural junta than the average multiplex hopper.

What were they thinking when they made this movie?

Priyadarshan: I yaam tha most succesful director from south… Ah! Forget Murugadoss, he is still a kid. Aye bachu, hehe. If I can make hits out of Bhagam Bhag and Malamaal Weekly, why not Billu? But whom will I cast to turn the fate of this trash around? Hmm…. Why not SRK? After all he has successfully sold craps like Om Shanti Om & Main hoon naa. Saar, will you do my filam?

SRK: (characteristic) hehehehehehe…… Only I can turn trash into gold, not even Salman can do that now, you see. But I wont play the second fiddle…..sorry….. I wont let anything overshadow me……NOT EVEN THE SCRIPT!

Priyadarshan: Dont worry, saar. Irrfan will be the hero, but in a deglamorised role – anyways we wont have to work hard on that, hehehe. You will get all the songs, get to groove with the top heroines and also get a chance to steal the climax with an Obama kind of speech, and we will call it an “extended special appearence” so that you can wash your hands of the film if it flops. What do you say now, saarey?

SRK: You sound better than Karan! Let’s roll.

Irrfan: Damn! Just when the scene was buiding up, this stupid song cropped up. Who the @’&! put that song there? Oh! SRK, was it you? Sorry, please dont throw me out, Danny hasn’t paid me well.

SRK: Hey! Deepika, if you have sulked enough on that B-grade Chinese movie, will you do an item number for me?

Deepika: Why not? After all that martial arts, I have developed a six-pack just like you. And where else could I showcase that? I am fit-fit and lets make it a hit-hit. Now thats a pretty good line, na?

Kareena: Help! Tashan, Golmal returns…..

SRK: I’m your saviour, Bebo.

Priyanka: Love Story 2050, Chamku, Drona……

SRK: Stop whining! You’re in, mutton…..errr…. Piggy Chops

Priyanka: Wow! God tussi great ho……… Arrrgh, Damn it!

Pritam: (@ Planet M) where is the hip-hop section? Ah! At last, Timbaland.

Irrfan: Arrey bhaiyya, I was supposed to do the snip-snip in the movie. Who snip-snipped my role? Damn! I was better off scaring people in Chandrakanta and insurance ads!

SRK: Enough! I’ve given enough footage to this Billu chap now. It’s time to show who’s the real hero. It’s me, me….. I’m the best. Time for my Obama speech – “Yes we can” is passe, “Billu mera dost” is the in thing.

Priyadarshan: (sniff) very touching saar! But where is the audience?

Akshay Kumar: Mera bhi flop, tera bhi flop – Oye! I’m still in the race.

SRK: (characteristic) hehehehehehe………… it was just an “extended special appearance”. I’m the best…….. I’m still the best.

Priyadarshan: Hello! reception?
When is the next train to Kerala?

-Arun